Million Dollar Listing Season 4 Episode 2 Recap: Ismir Wants The Car, Doggone It

It's episode 2 now, and I know I really need to be quicker with these recaps. So I'm not going to beat around the bush. Here's what happened this week on MDL:

Josh Flagg is at the McMansion in the valley, owned by Monet, the Emmy-nominated make-up artist who, we were told, is eccentric but in a good way. Remember that he's valued his home at $5-6 million after "mansionizing" it in a middle class neighborhood, although I have to note that the middle class we're speaking of here consists of 2-3 million dollar homes. Still, the house sorta' stands out.

Josh and Valley-Guy are showing the house to Susan, who's obsessed with closets and has too-orange cheeks. And she's quite aware of the camera following her. Walking through the house reminds her of a catwalk, which she tells us that she's quite familiar with. She loves the house but has to talk to her fiance, because, well, he's the one with the money. Ok, honey, you got your airtime. Besides, we find out later that her fiance is not at all interested, so none of this scene is really relevant.

Josh A.'s turn now. He's visiting his mom and brother and we learn that he failed to pick Mommy up at the airport, because hey, there's another brother that can do it and Josh was busy. The other brother is named Matt and he's also in real estate, so we're likely to see more of him later. Now last week, I saw Josh A. as a villain because 1) this is a Bravo show and there's always a villain and 2) we saw him fighting with Madison and nobody gets our Madison worked up like that without being a bad guy. But this week, we're seeing the softer side of Josh and he's seeming like a nice guy and a good realtor as well. Josh's fashionista mom seems pretty cool. His phone rings and she makes him turn it off, and he obeys instead of whining about the $100,000 deal he may have just lost. Furthermore, she has a favor to ask of him. She wants him to sell a friend's Wilshire Corridor apartment and (gasp) sacrifice his commision. He's not happy about forgoing his commission and he's even less happy about selling something for less than a million bucks. But he does this as a favor to good ol' Mom and besides, "it's a lovely thing to do."

Poor Madison. It seems as though he's getting setup by the Bravo guys to play straight man to all the crazy clients. This week, he's helping a Russian multi-millionaire named Ismir who's currently co-renting the Houdini mansion with the skeletons that are coming out of the ground. Madison really wants this listing, because he's got bills to pay. He's now moved to Malibu Beach to live in a shoebox that's the size of, probably my house, but for $5000 a month, it's a great deal. The voyeuristic seagulls pecking at his bedroom window could be a problem, but maybe some incense or crystals will solve that. You can't have negative energy flowing through a shoebox on the sea.

Anyway, back to Ismir. He wants a house in Hollywood, the whole lifestyle, the, wow factor, the panty-dropper. A fun bachelor pad where he can hold private events, he says somewhat creepily. At around two million. There's a problem though. Ismir thinks Madison may be too nice to cut the deal. So WHY go to him? I'm thinking that Ismir just wants to be on TV. In fact, I could swear I've seen him on Millionaire Matchmaker being thrown out of Patty's office. Madison says his approach is to "kill them with kindness", then he'll get what the client wants. The guys deliberate, sending Madison outside. Madison feels five years old as he rocks in the Edith Ann chair until he's allowed back in. They decide to give him a try since this is a starter home. They all shake hands and are ready to find the perfect bachelor pad/orgy home that 2 million can buy.

Josh A. is paying it forward by meeting his client, Ruth, who is a sweet lady that just loves the heck out of Josh, including his suit. "I'm bringing the suit back", says Josh, who I have to say is quite charming here and handles her deal exceptionally well. His mother should be so proud! Ruth is 90 and is ready to move back to Boston to be near her kids. When Josh asks her when she needs to sell, she replies "Yesterday". Well that's all Josh needs to hear, because yes, he gets to price it "aggressively". Translation: I'll price it low, you'll get an offer much lower, and that's it...you must take it, because you know the economy is bad and it's a buyer's market...". They agree to list it at $669,000 and take the best offer. Now if this is the same building in which Justin Bieber is rumored to be looking to buy at over a million and a half, then this doesn't sound like that great a deal. On the flip side, however, maybe it's best for Ruth to plan her excape BEFORE the screaming tweens catch wind of Bieber's potential residence.

Good ol' Josh Flagg is telecommuting in his white bathrobe and slippers, having a little breakfast and making calls. Todd, aka Valley-Guy, calls to tell Josh that some investors are interested in the McMansion.

Madison takes Ismir to his first showing and dammit, Madison, he is not impressed. The house is just not sexy enough, particularly the master bedroom. Madison notes that he's still trying to feel out what Ismir is looking for. Could it be a stripper pole in the bedroom? Maybe a skeleton in the closet?

Ruth's apartment is going to have a Brokers' Open, but Josh A. is too busy, so his goofball assistant, Mikey, is going to handle it for him. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but I would place bets that Mikey was newly hired by Josh A. specifically for this show, because a) he's a good, loyal partying friend, and 2) Bravo desperately needed some comic relief on this show. If so, this was a good move. Forget reality...this is supposed to be entertainment! Mikey is coached on the square footage of the apartment and has problems with those 4 little numbers because the dang statue is distracting him. Most likely, he ended up writing it on his hand with a Sharpie. All questions are to be referred to Josh A.

Madison is taking Ismir to a "pocket" listing; it's not officially on the market yet. Ismir LOOOVES this house and why not? It's "sexy". And he's quite taken with the floating pool furniture, a little too much so, in fact. He loves everything about it, including the shiny white Shelby Cobra in the garage and he "must have it", he says in his Dolph Lundgren voice. But it's not for sale, Madison says. "Everything's for sale", Ismir says. Now I'm afraid for Madison because this is exactly what Robert Redford said to Demi Moore in "Indecent Proposal" and we know what happened there.

Josh F. is talking to Valley-Guy about the creative investor deal on the Monet house. They'll pay him $3 million in cash as a co-investor on the house and if the market comes back in the next couple of years, Monet could make more money. They know this is going to be a hard sell on Monet, so they'll take him to an Isreali restaurant with their armor on, liquor him up, break the news that the offer is $2 million less than what he thinks it's worth, and wait for the blood bath.

Mikey's showing Ruth's place and I must say, this is my favorite scene of the episode. When the first broker arrives, he's caught lounging on the couch. Then there's the excessive fly swatting and you have to wonder where all these flies came from, although I'm sure we're getting some special sound effects here. His boredom continues and he finally works on his pec's a while and is busted by an interested broker while performing his push-ups. Well, he's completely out of breath for the next ten minutes and she asks him if he's okay and seriously, he doesn't look too well in this scene.

Josh A. and Ruth have an offer. The interrupter of push-ups has a solid cash offer of $625,000. Josh A. does a pretty good negotiation, countering at $650,000, then throws the football around a little with Mikey while he claps like a seal. She contacts the would-be buyer. It's a deal! Everyone's happy!

Back to Madison and Ismir. Ismir is giving Madison the smack-down here because he's 1/2 million over his budget with his dream house, so by golly, he's entitled to that car...and all the furnishings. In fact, the seller should just get out of the house, taking only his clothes, and leave everything for Ismir to have his sexy parties and such. His "I want zee car" rant takes me back to Rocky IV and I'm fully expecting him to say "I want zee car...or I will break you." Now the word on the web is that the car in question belongs to Jamie Kennedy. If this is true, then Jamie should most certainly beef up his security ASAP. See, Ismir wants the lifestyle and wants to fit in and I hate to tell him this, but the house and car are just not going to be enough. Madision is told to be aggressive. In fact, Ismir wants to attend the negotiation because he's a businessman and understands deals. This should be fun.

Josh F. and Valley-Guy are meeting with Monet at the restaurant to tell him about the investor deal. Their advice (and God's) is to take it. Monet us upset and he's not buying. He takes his toys (the wine) and goes home. Josh and Valley-Guy agree to terminate the contract and cut their losses.

Josh A. takes Ruth out to dinner and this is a sweet scene. He offers her champagne, but no, their non-alcoholic beverages are celebration enough. Ruth is happy. Momma is happy. All is good. Except for the fact that I really think Ruth could have thrown Josh a bone here, at least a home-made blueberry pie. She doesn't exactly seem to be hurting for money.

In conclusion, this was not one of the better episodes. Here are some things that would have stirred things up a bit.

• Madison should have been shirtless in the scene where he shows his new Malibu pad.
• Houdini's ghost should have been visible in the mansion seen with Ismir with a voiceover saying "Get out of my house!"
• Monet should have done the Joisey table-flip before he stormed out. Of course, he should have grabbed his wine bottle first.
• When Josh A. and Mikey were tossing the football, it should have hit the agent's face when she re-entered the room. She could have grabbed her face and screamed "My Nose!" a la Marcia Brady.